The 7 Deadly Staches of Snowboarding

As you might have noticed, this month, things have been getting a bit hairy around these parts. To commemorate the thousands of bros around the world putting their finishing touches to the tresses above their upper lip- the following may give you some insight into the varying styles of mustaches and the personalities behind them according to the snowboard world.

Movember is easily  the greatest thing to happen to facial hair since Magnum P.I.- so as you prepare to groom your lip lettuce into whatever shape your heart desires; while offering free mustache rides over the next 30 days, let’s pause for a moment to remember the real reason behind the season. Aside from Chihuahuas  and granny panties, there’s nothing a man hates more than prostate and testicular cancer. To learn more about Movember go to us.movember.com and check out what you can do to help the cause.

photo: Instagram @patmoore

Pat Moore The Mutton Chops

Inevitably many males that had gone through puberty and some females with abnormal testosterone levels mimicked the facial hair style and soon the orgasmic look stretched across the globe, all the way to Pat Moore, who has become the patron saint of mutton chops.

 Sideburns that have grown to a size at which they have overtaken the edges of the face and are working their way towards each other? This could possibly be the best thing to happen to the side of the head since ears. These bad boys convey that you are creative and edgy. You are bold enough to go beyond conventions of standard sideburns. A career path in the lumberjack industry may be fitting, Of course, there is also the possibility that you are an Elvis impersonator or that you are in training to join the X-Men.

Nonetheless, respect will be yours.

photo: Jens Heig

Matthew Boudreaux The Stonewall  Jackson

This beard has always been a favorite of mine. Any man with a Stonewall Jackson, is a man who just really loves having a beard so much, that he allows it to be his defining characteristic. This beard wearer might live in a shack in the woods, and makes a living selling moonshine- but nonetheless, any woman reading this knows they’d love to get their fingers tangled in those tresses.

 This level of disheveled hair maintenance or lack thereof is coveted. It says you’re consumed with creativity, but are possibly homeless because of it. Pop some Jack Daniel’s into a paper bag and you’re on your way to subtle hobo chic. We can all agree the Stonewall Jackson is indisputably the manliest man beard of all time. He beats out Chuck Norris and Paul Bunyan by a long shot.

Photo: Instagram @susiefloros

Pat Bridges The Hibernator 

A favorite of ZZ Top and Wizards. If growing a beard was a video game, this would be what we like to call expert mode. It takes a very specific kind of man to pull it off. This is the Mack truck of facial hair. This statement of bearded dominance is not for the faint of heart. If you’re up for the challenge, this style will transform you into an instant alpha male…or perhaps the next emperor of Germany. These epic hairs have raged out of control madly consuming everything in its path, much like a zombie apocalypse and could easily be mistaken for a satellite image of the Redwood forest. Between your ears and chin there is more hair than a Kodiak bear stapled to a cavemans chest. No worries though, The national guard has been sent to locate your mouth for feeding purposes.

 

photo: windells.com

Forest Bailey The Petite Handle Bar   

Historically, it’s had the baddest rap of all the facial hair expressions.

Designed to distract women as you remove your pants, this is the granddaddy of all moustaches. To put it shortly, it looks like a caterpillar decided to make your upper lip home. You’re now effectively invincible, and ready for a promising career as an eighties athlete or Freddy Mercury. They say the classics never go out of style, and this stache is living proof. Its bold and firm, without being too difficult to groom; a dream that any facial hair connoisseur should strive for.

photo: live.arnette.com

Johnny Lazz The Paintbrush

This is the ghost of moustache yet-to-come. Consisting of shadows and optical illusions, this mustache feels as soft as a baby’s bottom. A surefire way to meet girls is to go to raves and invite them to touch your upper lip. The good news is they’ll be following you around all night. The bad news is, they’ll be completely engrossed by your lip, to want to pet anything else. A mustache made famous in the 1980’s and worn by the likes of Ron Jeremy-  this stache is a bit outdated, but  a favorite amongst us mere mortals.

Keep it neat, yet fierce- and one day, maybe you will be mistaken for Tom Selleck.

photo: flux-bindings.com

Zac Marben The Dali

This moustache is straight regal. Anyone with the nerve and stamina to groom such a showy display is winning in my book. Even if it looks ridiculous (and it probably does), you own it, rock it, love it, and most importantly, style it. Other than Dali, there is really only one man brave enough to make this moustache work and that is Zac Marben.

The Dali isn’t as much a moustache as it is an experience. Moustache novices dare not attempt the Dali, but we give major props to anyone that tries it.

photo: stance.com

 Chris Grenier The MASSive Combo

This may in fact be, the holy grail of facial hair.

 If you’re not sure which style to slap onto your face, follow Chris Grenier’s lead and pull a 3-in-1.  Scruff is the perfect answer to spice up facial hair this Movember season. Starting off with a solid layer of chin fuzz, this becomes the catalyst for the Tour De Grenier, leading us from the chin, to his ample cop stache  all the way down to his svelte soul patch. This choice of facial hair gives us a touch of rebellion and delusion all at the same time. Set yourself apart from the other dirty hipsters who are still wearing  Jesus beards; You’re sure to invoke mystery and classy allure. This is truly the unicorn of facial foliage.

Would I?

Why yes, yes i would.

Comments are closed.